A work in progress...
"Life is not about finding yourself, it's about CREATING yourself."
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I am the poster child for “if at first you don’t succeed.. try, try again”… for me it was TRY AGAIN, TRY AGAIN, TRY AGAIN, TRY AGAIN, TRY AGAIN, TRY AGAIN…(well you get the picture!).. my weight loss journey has been going on for over 10 years.. I’ve lost and gained the same damn 50-70 pounds over and over and OVER again.
Me personally: I am married with no children.. My husband is a wonderful, very supportive man. I have been overweight since my second year of college.. and got up to being well over 100 pounds overweight.. I am only 5’ 3.5” so I should weigh around 125 or so. I am a jewelry designer with a home based business so I work from home and struggle with being VERY lazy and sedentary.
Dieting history: Most of my weight I have lost (over and over again) I’ve lost in the wrong way (simply eating as little as I possibly can) . I have eaten nothing but Fritos and diet coke for days – fritos at the time being my fav. food and diet coke.. I would “splurge” with lots of lime juice in it. (I vividly remember the beautiful floral string bikini I “borrowed” from my sister I wore that summer.. starving myself having nothing but a small (vending machine size) bag of fritos and TONS of dietcoke.. (and cigarettes).. but damn I looked hot as all hell.). ..
The most dangerous was the Psudafed diet.. (for the ephedrine).. I drank a liquid cold medicine three times a day (about a half a bottle a day – this was in the 90’s before they changed the formula) and didn’t eat for weeks.. except a half of a slimfast bar to take my vitamins! (yes.. isn’t that funny… be sure to take your vitamins while you are killing yourself). I fainted a couple of times with this one.. I was getting the 30 pounds off I had gained.. for a date. A guy I had known in High School and always had a crush on.. it was a long distance thing and he had not seen me since High School.. I kept imagining him seeing me “fat” and lost my bloody mind.
I tried to make myself throw up.. twice actually but it brought up so many feelings that I just cried violently both times.. so that was out..
I would have tried drugs as well but I was afraid I would become instantly addicted because I have such an addictive personality.
When I met my wonderful DH I was around 185 pounds. He is an amazing man that I still can not believe is mine. We married and our love of good food combined into a crazy two year “gourmet food honeymoon”.. we both LOVED food so much… We were constantly watching the food network and going out to fine restaurants and try all the different foods we could… one example.. my husband and I had a contest when we got married to find out who had the best tiramisu in town.. we went to EVERY Italian restaurant in town to find out.. and tried them all to see who won.. I wrote an article about it in our local newspaper. ..and I would also drink LOTS of booze each night.. and that is an entirely different post! I do know that at this time, with the boozing all the time, it is at this time that I also got addicted to sugar.
I love to cook so we would go to a restaurant and have something we loved and I would figure out how to re-create it at home… We would have a great time figuring out the nuances of the meal.. the right spices we would need.. sometimes making something 2-3 times (that special Caesar dressing we loved! And “those” cheddar biscuits) just to get it perfectly right.. lots of time desserts… I wanted to be a pastry chef when I was in my 20’s so I loved doing this. We often kidded that we could certainly be food critics..
We went food crazy. For two years.. I ate anything and everything I wanted.. I ordered from gourmet companies so I would have obscure herbs and ingredients and the more I ate.. the more I wanted.. ..I learned how to temper chocolate and bought a special kitchen machine to use. At the time we were going out 3-4 times a week and the rest of the time cooking huge gourmet meals at home… I couldn’t get enough food.. especially sweets..
I remember buying a large box (enough for 8) of our very favorite layered pastry (white, milk and dark chocolate mousse layered in fine flaky pastry) from a bakery we LOVED and eating every one of them, then getting home and immediately putting the empty box in the large trash container in our garage. So my husband wouldn’t wonder why I didn’t save him any.
Recently, over the last three years I would swing back and forth between three styles of eating.. I’ve “been into” being a 100% Raw foodist (which I now realize was a form of my ED… extreme eating styles always are for me – I would convince myself I was doing it for my health but in reality it’s to get as skinny as possible). Then I would miss protein so much I would switch to VERY, very low carb (consuming under 10 carbs a day for weeks and weeks at a time). Then I would do juice and herb detoxes… with “super foods” I felt like a health food elitist… when in reality for me this was actually another extreme form of dieting .. just adding to my now well formed ED.
I have starved.. used coffee enemas, done every detox I have ever come across and done days and days of juice fasting. This last couple of years have been the hardest because I had myself convinced I was doing all this for my “health” when in reality I just wanted to lose this weight as quickly as I could.
Now I am older and wiser and much more kind to myself. I know that for ME I have to STOP the extreme eating styles. I HAVE educated myself enough over the last few year to know that a low carb eating lifestyle IS the way to go, I am just pretty sure my sugar addiction has made it impossible because as soon as I get going well (usually at about 2 months in) I have a sugar binge. I think part of my problem has been going very low carb for way too long.. not adding in more veggies as I should. I am so black or white in my thinking. I have to change that.
I have never given up. I have been very exasperated at times.. and beaten myself up.. been very unkind and unhealthy to myself, been thru serious depression and fallen back into my food days with much gusto. I have learned VERY much through all of this.. through all the struggles I have kept journals.. I have HUNDREDS of type written (in my computer) pages…
A few things I have already learned:
-I have a freaking serious problem with food and especially SUGAR, I love it, I hate it, I Love it, I hate it.. etc.. . It’s very confusing to me and still is. I finally believe in my heart TRULY that I am an addict.. just like a damn heroin addict and have been reading all I can get my hands on about addiction.
-I finally learned to break this cycle I had to stop the Fasting and stop any form of extreme dieting and when you need to lose 100 pounds (or more) this is hard.. there is a feeling of desperation…. To get as much weight off as quickly as you can... when I first made the promise to myself to no longer “diet” I had several days of bingeing and gaining.. and telling myself I can’t restrict in any way… period. and finally leveling out and eating a more balanced diet..Fasting is not the way to go. It is just a part of a viscous, soul crushing cycle. Whole Foods.. low carbs. It’s what I need… I just have to find the right balance.
-Water makes a huge difference in my weekly weight loss. The more I can make myself drink, the more weight I lose. And my skin looks much better..
-You have to keep on keepin’ on.. life is full of hills and valleys.. everyone will slip. The first few days after a slip are VERY hard.. but I have something that I keep in mind these first few days, I call it the “snowball effect”… it’s like you have this tiny snowball at first.. it has no momentum, but as you get more days under your belt the motivation starts to then come.. with the doing.. with the few successes..the snowball get’s larger and starts taking on a life of it’s own and generates more success.. it has it’s own momentum. It rolls along nicely and then it hits a tree and is broken down and you have to start all over again… it’s getting over the first few days that is hard.. so I know to give myself everything I need to succeed those first few days.. planning is everything! Truly.
-I already have this desire to help others and I am no where EVEN near my goal yet.. but somehow I know I am going to do this now.. this is it.. I don’t care how long it takes.. failure is not an option.
Wow.. this is long.. if you actually read all of this.. thank you.. I am afraid I love to talk when I get excited. And I am so glad to be here. XOXO~
